Self Care No Longer Taking A Back Seat

As single mothers. Especially black single mothers we are often always expected to always love our job as being mothers. That's not to say that we don't love our children, but I'm talking about the job of being a mother and being forced to parent alone. It is hard work. And we are expected to love every minute of it.

We are expected to never regret. We are expected to be strong. We are expected to roll with the punches and never complain about the "life we chose."

I am here to say it's okay NOT to be strong. At least by society's standards. While we are mothers and often have to carry the entire load on our own, we are allowed to feel frustration. We are allowed to feel defeat. We are allowed to cry. We are allowed to question why. We are allowed to take time set boundaries, protect our energy, and create safe places to vent those frustrations. We are allowed to take time to care for ourselves physically and mentally. And in that safe place come up with workable solutions that will make mothering a bit easier to navigate through.

I decided to take my own advice and began going to see a therapist.

It was a HUGE and very difficult decision for me to make. Even after reaching out to the therapist I still debated up until my ride out to her office whether I wanted to actually go through with it. And with all of the stigmas attached to doing things like this especially in the black community as well as the mindset that single black mothers are expected to be invincible. You can see why it was such a hard decision.

I want to share with you all the moment in which I realized "I need to take care of me."

It was a few hours before my shift started.

I just dropped the kids off at school. I made myself some breakfast, ate, and cleaned up a bit.

After I cleaned up the house I decided to light an incense and sat in my room to take a quick breather because around that time I was working from 2pm until 8pm. Then would work again that evening from 10pm until 2am every weekday. Unfortunately in the other room I didn't realize that part of my incense somehow began burning through some paper that I had nearby. I didn't know this until I decided to get up (a little refreshed from finally being able to sit down and rest) and walked into the living room. I was surprised to see that my living room was full of thick white smoke yet no actual fire. I quickly put out my incense and opened my balcony window to let the smoke out.

All the while I was really confused as to how the papers began burning with the incense sitting in the holder and why I couldn't smell the smoke at all being that my bedroom is the closest room to the living room. Surely with that much smoke it would have hit my bedroom first. Secondly my smoke detector did not go off at all. So if there was indeed a real fire consuming my living room I would not have even known.

Those thoughts sent me into a panic and I began really working myself up into a crying fit over the fact that I really truly don't have help in all of this when it comes to raising children. I actually said to myself in that moment "I can't. I can't do this by myself anymore. Something needs to change. I need help."

Why? Because I am clearly overwhelmed and I put my needs and self care on the back burner. And this manifests itself in many harmful ways. I needed something that would help me safely advocate for my self care. Because if I'm not right then my babies aren't.

So I contacted my therapist that same day. And she quickly responded.

This was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. It is sooo important to have that safe place for you to vent and come up with workable solutions. It is so important.

I know it can be difficult when you're dealing with all types of barriers and stigmas, but I really do recommend looking into having one. You don't have to have "problems" to seek one out. They can give you a different perspective which may aid in you doing things that you otherwise thought you couldn't.

Even if therapy isn't the route. It's just always important to make time for you. Create that safe space and tend to your needs.

Keep Space by Ms. Wrights Way (link below)

Ah.... One of the hardest things about parenting alone... Its like you have to block out everything to keep sane, but in the process you constantly (most times unknowingly in the moment) reject your kids love... When in fact their love is really the only thing that matters... To me at least. My kids are all I have and there are no conditions to their love for me despite my blocking everything out (sometimes including them).

This video was really special to me and reminded in the midst if all that I'm dealing with right now that I can't shut my babies out. I cried as I watched and I'm crying as I type this because I know. I know all too well. This is a tough thing to balance all on your own. But it's imperative that we be attentive. Especially to the little ones that need us and love us no matter what.

Keep Space by Ms. Wrights Way