Friday, December 25, 2015

Child Support Drama!!

So you all! Child support has been filed and letters received and baby let me tell you! When he got his letter he didn't hesitate to come "talk" to me about it.

Upside? There was no arguing, yelling, fussing and cussing.

Downside? Everything else.

So let's start from the beginning.

My oldest daughter's dad dropped her off back home after keeping her for the weekend. When my daughter walked in the house she told me, "My daddy wanna talk to you." So I stepped outside my door.

He reveals to me that he got a letter in the mail for child support and wants to know what the deal is. Then he tells me, "I got people downtown that I can call up and find out whats going on. So I called them and they told me that you was putting me on child support." I guess this was to intimidate me?? I have no clue what the purpose was of him telling me that he knows people down there and who he has easy access to.

Anyway I tell him flat out, "Yes I did." I was very candid about my sudden health problems and how it could lead to future problems regarding the job that I work now.

To update you all... One day I woke up and my vision in my left eye was obstructed. Not with any foreign object. I went to the doctor, had blood tests done, CT scan, still lined up to have an MRI done, and more. My vision problem coupled with sudden, localized headaches was (still is) a cause for concern. And seeing that my job consists of me to stare at a computer screen for an entire shift. You can see how that would affect my ability to continue my job thus severely affecting how I provide for my kids.

I shared this with him and I also made it a point (because something told me that it was coming) to say, "I'm not saying that I'm incapable of taking care of our daughter. I'm not saying that I need you to pay my bills. What I'm saying is that I want to secure financial help for Alia in the event I end up not being able to work to provide for her."

As predictable as I knew it would be, he went into this whole spiel about how he wants her to stay with him. And yall listen! I have never been anti-joint custody. This is evidenced by his very first time bringing to me that he wanted to keep her. She was either in Kindergarten or in preschool on her way to Kindergarten. Many people thought I was crazy and didn't understand. I on the other hand was all for it. That plan fell through (due to no fault of mine) because (as it's always been with him) he's had the luxury of making sure his shit is straight before finally (in so many words) saying, "Okay I'm ready for her now." Furthermore, this conversation hasn't been had for 5 years. Things change. Especially when you realize that the plan to live with him wasn't happening.

He goes on to list why it would be better to live with him:

-She doesn't have to go to public school. She'll get to go to Fairfield City Schools (which by my standard is still a public school... It's just located in a predominantly white suburb). Oh he made sure to point this out as well. That there are more white people. Not impressed!

-He said she'll get to have her own room.

-She'll have a head start on doing better than he has.

And I'm sitting here thinking like HOLD THE FUCK UP! I've worked HARD as FUCK to deconstruct this "White is right" mindset that she held near to her as a little child. I'll be DAMNED if he erases that. If you like the school system out there then FINE! Don't go talking about white people do it different and therefore it's better. Also it's important for my daughter to be around people like her period point blank. We live in a world where we are forced to interact with white people, compromise our safe spaces for white people, allow white people to use our shit and participate in things solely for us  because.... well.... White people. And I refuse! No!

He also said with his experience attending public school as a younger child that there are more distractions at public schools than his district's schools. I call bullshit though. As long as there are children amongst each other there will be problems of varying degrees. Even more, her daddy has not even been to her public school to know what goes on there education wise, as far as peers are concerned, NOTHING! So how is he coming to this conclusion?

Also this school district.... This neighborhood.... It's out in the boondocks! And I don't drive! Funny thing is right before my eye problems I was planning on working on my license and then later a car. But with things happening so suddenly I obviously put it off. There's no public transportation out there. Even if I were to be okay with her living with him now, how would I be actively involved? I want to be able to have easy access to my daughter. I want to be able to stop by her school and know what's going on. Cabs aren't even an option either because it's approximately $80 there and back. Needless to say he is not thinking this through.

So I told him, "You know, although you may feel like you're on track with co-parenting by picking her up on some weekends and getting her clothes I feel ALONE in parenting her. When it comes to school you have not met her teachers, her peers, reviewed her work, know who her daycare providers are, aint been to a parent teacher conference, NOTHING. As a result you have no grasp on why she acts out. And it's not just with me. It's with her teachers and daycare providers. That's not to say she's a bad child. But without knowledge of what's going on around her it's very easy for you to tell me that I let her get away with things."

His response? "Well I'm working to provide and take care of my kids. So I can't make the things like father daughter dances and stuff like that. And kids will be kids. They do what they think they can get away with certain things around certain people."

Like just totally gas lighting me and dismissing the issue at hand. I have to work too. It may not be as many hours as he does, but I still make it a point to get up to her school, familiarize myself with the people teaching her, knowing who her friends are and understanding their relationships and how they interact with each other first hand.

But you know there's always an excuse as to why he can't. In fact that's the luxury he has in ALL of this. He's able to excuse him from responsibility when it doesn't line up with his personal life by saying he can't and actually NOT do because he has the freedom. That ability to do as he pleases while I'm left doing all of the grunt work when it comes to this parenting shit.

Now onto the part about having her own room. Man listen. If that room is for her then it's for her. No matter how often or how little she is there. If he actually followed through with first bringing to me that he wanted to keep her then she would STILL maintain her space at my place.... No, but his twisted way of thinking is to replace her. Yes you heard fuckin right. REPLACE HER!

Convo goes as follows: "I worked hard and saved up for years to build that house. I wanted to be sure she had her own room. I wanted to be sure all of the rooms I had built were used. Me and (insert his other babymama name) been actually talking about adopting because if she can't be here to use that room then I know it's other people who will be happy to stay there."

I have no CLUE how I kept my cool. Who in their right minds suggests things like this? Not only is it a fucked up way to treat your child. You're considering bringing a child in need of care into your home under some fucked up pretenses. Adopting a child to fill the void of your daughter not being there 24/7? They're acting like I'm not allowing any contact between the two of them. They're acting like she died and they need to "move on". They're acting like if she's not there 24/7 then she's as good as gone. I should have dead that conversation then and there.

Oh let's not forget about the "having a head start on doing better" piece. As if she's incapable of such by going to a public school. Thing is I highly doubt that he is aware of her dreams and aspirations. If he did then he would know the opportunity to grow that shit now is not available in the predominantly white suburbs that he loves so dearly. Extra curricular activities holds a lot of weight when it comes to school (scholarships, admittance, etc). I'm also trying to teach my daughter to work for herself by doing what she loves. No matter if that desire that she has now shifts to something different.

Obviously he wasn't expecting much pushback because he jumped right back to the joint custody thing. Talking about (and being ever so condescending) "I mean if it's help you need then we can go down and file for joint custody and you'll still be able to keep your foodstamps because I just don't want them all up in my business."

Bruh, FUCK you! Seriously? Not only you try to take it there especially when you have no clue whether I get foodstamps or not.... You don't want child support in your business? You are on medical support through the state. THEY ALREADY KNOW ALL OF YOUR BUSINESS! The fuck??? You don't want them in your business, but you are willing to go to court and have a judge dissect all of your personal business? You would rather go through these court dates and all simply because you don't want to pay for these next 7 years? When you had an entire 10 years not to pay? You would rather leave it to the state to provide for your child than YOU actually providing for her?

Oh oh! Then he tried to put me on spot and say, "So I mean are you trying to go through with child support? Because I need to know now so that I can prepare." Prepare? Where was my prep time? You put me on spot to make a decision to only accept medical support during our very first child support hearing. I refuse to make a decision for you when I'm trying to get ready for work in a few hours. Boy, bye!

I checked out from the bullshit and he left.

I'm sure that I am now every kind of goldigger, bitch, bad baby mama. But it was all good when I wasn't demanding more.

Court ain't what he wants, but I'll entertain the bullshit to teach him a lesson. I'm tired of this whole "I maintain my own household. I prepared a space for my child. I work. I buy her clothes." Well good for you. I do that too! That's what you're supposed to do! You're supposed to do a lot more too. No more appeasing and catering while my daughter goes without. You'll get over it. You'll live.

Monday, December 21, 2015

This Is Not Co-Parenting

 I always envisioned a life of co-parenting consisting of mutual agreements when it comes to rearing, disciplining, and things of that sort. That is not to say that we will or must agree on every issue. I feel like in order to effectively raise a child the parents must be somewhat willing to be on the same page, listen and incorporate different child rearing methods. You must be involved in the child's day to day life even if she isn't under your primary care.

I never imagined, though, that I'd be in a position to receive so much pushback and non participation when it comes to different issues surrounding our daughter. The way that my daughter's father and I co-parent is not even co-parenting at all. He'd rather do things his way on his own.

He feels that doing fun things, getting her on the weekends, preparing her a space in his own house, and buying her clothes is co-parenting... THIS IS NOT CO-PARENTING!

Why am I declaring this now? Well, I'm kind of frustrated with and find it unacceptable to have to navigate this parenting alone. Which to me is the real definition of single motherhood. Yeah we can attribute the "single" to a mother's marital status, but let's be real. When we say single in regards to parenting we not only mean in regards to marital status, but in simply physically and/or financially caring for your kids.

Example: My daughter's been having a bit of a problem with her mouth and attitude. I can pin it to her being a growing girl transitioning into adolescence. Other things require redirection, discipline, and consistency. I reached out to her father in an attempt to established some sort of structure... Or like chain of command type of deal to where (even if he has no use for it) if a situation arose where it was necessary to implement then it would be very effective. I want her to expect the same discipline whether she's with me or him. It was basically that I simply wanted to be on the same page. His answer to me was that I let her get away with too much and he never has this problem.

Now there's only so much gaslighting that I can take. So I feel forced (in order to preserve my peace) to give up reaching out in an attempt to co-parent. I care about my daughter's need for consistency, but it's seeming to be an impossible feat when it comes to her daddy.... To know that you don't have the support of someone who is to be there to help physically and financially raise the kid(s) you have together makes everything so hard! It is exhausting!

Sunday, November 15, 2015

I Had An Emotional Breakdown The Other Day....

10 years into having my first child reality just really hit me. I am doing this all on my own. This realization wasn't without a crying fit. I am physically and emotionally tired. Every necessity provided, all of my guidance, my sacrifice, and well intentions are often questioned and scrutinized. Meanwhile the absent parent is praised for the few novelty things that they do.

I just moved into a new place and instead of enjoying my move I am incredibly stressed.

I love my kids, but without the proper support I am tired.

I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. Please feel free to vent your single mother frustrations here.

Stay tuned for my next post to see one of my many steps to relieve my frustrations. And remember don't ever feel guilty for doing what you need to do to provide for your children and to ease the stress of motherhood.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Don't Sexualize My Daughter... The Reality of Raising Young Black Girls

When I finally think I got this parenting thing down I'm always hit with something that I didn't see coming... You know, growing up as a girl into a woman I was always pulled to the side and told "Don't dress like that because I don't want grown men looking at you." "You don't need to be around those boys. Go find some girls to play with." "Here, go change into these clothes." *hands me oversized tshirt and baggy shorts* "Stop being fast and get off of the phone with those boys." *gets hair cut short* "You look grown." *watching news report of molestation of a young girl* "See, thats why girls need to stop dressing like this/acting like that. Then these things would stop happening."

*sigh* I could go on and on with my own personal experiences as growing up as a young girl... A young black girl. I'm sure many of you (now women) can say that you've heard the same things growing up. I can also say that many hold true to those things as damaging as they are.

It wasn't until recently, that I began wondering "How did I make it to womanhood unscathed despite the constant shame?" I'd be lying to say that that I was unscathed. In fact I'm still trying to deconstruct my mind from the years and years of shame that was hurled at me under the guise of protection and learning what it takes to become a woman.

I never knew that adults were to be held accountable for their actions towards a child. I never knew that even if she "wanted it" it was indeed sexual abuse to engage sexually with a child. I never knew that it's always rape and sexual misconduct even if she wore something revealing or if she didn't have to be physically forced. I never knew.

Despite all of the shame disguised as protection, the truth was that I was vulnerable. So vulnerable that I would have been likely to blame myself if I were to have been taken advantage of by an adult.

Fast forward to now...

The reality of this problem didn't fully come to a head until I allowed my daughter to dance. This girl LOVES to dance. She's not on a dance team at the moment because I have other priorities to tend to, but you wouldn't know it by looking at her. She is constantly dancing. She will dance in the grocery store, on our walk to school, at home. She'd dance herself to sleep if I let her!

She often says, and I quote, "Dancing is my life!"

So you can imagine how my blood boiled when I was approached by this guy that I know who found my facebook page. At the time I had a picture of my daughter in some pants and her dance team's crop top as my profile picture. He proceeded to give me his unsolicited opinion... "That's why I don't let my daughter do this kind of stuff. These girls are too fast. I don't like that. I don't want grown men looking at her. My daughter could never do that and dress like that."

My response to him was.... "I'm sorry that your daughter will never be able to experience anything like dance. I feel bad for her that her daddy would rather make it seem as if young girls are only dancing and dressing up to turn men on rather than dancing because it's something that they enjoy. Please stay away from my page."

In that moment I was reminded of everything that was pounded in my head as soon as my parents noticed my growing body and new interests. I was never allowed to cheerlead for the same perverted reasons that this guy said he'd never allow his daughter to dance.

For these reasons I gave up on a lot as a young girl, because my innocence was so sexualized that I could not take pride in things that interested me.

I refuse to be the reason why my daughter gives up on her dream of being a dance teacher.

I refuse to sexualize or shame my children's actions.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

SBM Lunch Ideas!

I know as a single parent it can be a little difficult trying to run your household and be sure that your children are eating healthy.

Here are a few healthier lunch idea for both you and the kids!

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Introduction!

Hello all!

My name is J, and I'm a single black mother of 3 girls.

My purpose for this blog is to touch on struggles, triumphs, and everything in between as it pertains to my life as a single black mother raising 3 daughters.

Join me on this journey!