Last Time Mom Series: 10-11 Weeks

Yall. I'm not going to even pretend as if I've been extremely busy. Well, I've been busy, but not to the point where I couldn't blog for the past 2 weeks. I've just been TIRED! My GAWD!

But let's get started because a lot has happened!

As you all know I was planning to have an ultrasound done in my 10th week to accurately date my pregnancy and CHILE.....

Let's start at the beginning of that fiasco.

A friend of mine asked if she could borrow my car. I allowed her to because her children did not have bus service to school and since her car was down she couldn't take them to school. They had already missed a few days and she didn't want them to miss anymore if she could help it. She was planning to get her car fixed by Friday and my appointment was on Friday so it all seemed to be something that would work out. I knew that I didn't have anything planned for the majority of the week and planned to catch the bus. She promised to clean out my car and fill my gas tank so I said cool. By the way she was an old friend. I felt that I could trust her. She also told me that she could pick me up for work and pick me back up from work to drop me off at home. Cool. Let's do this then.

On the first day I got to work on time. She also picked up from work on time. Great!

On the second day she picked me up late. I was agitated, but I knew that I could just make up the time by staying a little later. Not what I wanted to do, but it was doable. That evening she picked me up. I told her that I needed to stop by WalMart to pick up a carpet cleaner because earlier that week my apartment flooded from all of the heavy rain. We went to Walmart, but not before she decided to pick up food from Kroger and drop her son off at her house. Again I was agitated. I wasn't planning on staying out that late to get what I needed to get done. I'm pregnant and tired! I ended up not getting home until about 8pm and didn't finish cleaning my carpets until about 10pm.

She's pissing me off, but you know what? Tomorrow is the LAST day she'll be using my car and I won't have to worry about any of this anymore.

So comes Friday. We already talked the nite before about when I'd be ready to go for work. So Friday morning I text her and told her that I'd be completely ready at 7:50am. No response. I'm thinking "Okay. Maybe she's busy getting herself together." It was about a half an hour before 7:50 anyway so I finished getting myself together. I came back to my phone and there was no message.

Oooookay! Wtf are you doing?

I text her again. "Hey I'm about ready."

No response again!

20 minutes before the start of my shift I had to request an Uber.

This bish really did not get up to pick me up for work in the car that I allowed her to BORROW?? Oh HELL naw!!

Me being my pregnant, emotional self I cried. I also swore to myself that I'd never allow her to borrow my car again and that I'm not talking to her ever again either.

Yall tell me why at 10am in the morning I got a call from her. I looked down at my phone like, "You thought!" And let it go to voicemail.

I then got a text like, "Girl I'm soooo sorry! I overslept! Text me back when you get a chance."

I didn't text her back until a few hours before it was time for me to leave. See, I had my appointment for my ultrasound that day so I was leaving early. When I finally spoke to her I reminded her that I had an ultrasound appointment and needed to be there ON TIME. She said cool and apologized for being late and said she'd be there to get me on time. She also said that she'll come up to the hospital with me and if she needed to get a ride back home because it's taking a really long time then she'd just do that so I'd have the car to take back home. I said okay

I got off of work and she was there. The least she could do, right?

When I got in the car she asked "What time is the appointment again?" I told her and said, "Yeah based on the time I have to be there and where we are now, I'll have enough time to get there on time and not have to rush." She goes, "Oh okay! Well we have enough time for me to go home then! And you can just go up there." At first I thought, "You claim you're my friend. Why wouldn't you just accompany me up there?" Then I thought, "You know what? She's pissed me off enough today. It might be best that she goes home first."

Yall tell me why she went this incredibly long way to get home?? Here I am getting pissed all over again.

Oh and let me add. She said to me when she picked me up from work, "Oh girl. I didn't even get a chance to clean out the car like I said I would." What??? You haven't even worked this week. You had nothing to do. Cleaning the inside of my car was the LEAST you could have done!

Anyway, when we got to her side of town she said, "I was gonna fill up your tank." I didn't have the time, but looking at my gas gauge it was at 1/4. So yeah... She needed to fill my tank. Oh, but she decided to only fill it to 3/4 when my tank was damn near full. Wait.... Then she chose to fill up a gas can which she had no clue how to open and had to go to people at the gas station to ask them to open it. Like are you serious?

I had about 15 minutes to get to my appointment. As we were getting ready to drive off some peddling fool walked up to our car trying to sell stolen bottles of perfume. she actually rolled down the window to allow him to speak. Wtf are you doing?

He asks if I was interested and I told him no and that I'm strapped for time and had somewhere to be. You know, hoping she'd get the hint too. Her ditzy dumb ass still conversed with him.

She finally drove off and it was the time of my appointment.

I was FUMING! And she got out of the car like things were cool.

Here I am fumbling to get my gps on my phone to tell me where to go. I was currently about 8 minutes out from the hospital. Highly pissed.

I made it to the hospital at about 4:40pm and tried to rush to where I was going. Sadly, I had no clue where I was going and spent 10 minutes trying to find it. Once I finally got there the whole section was close. I had to have been the last appointment for the day and I'm 20 minutes late. I was so hurt and upset. I cried on my way back to my car while cursing her and wanting her out of my life forever.

I was able to reschedule my appointment for the week after, but yall.... Tell me if that was messed up. Who treats someone like that who's done something for them? Just completely inconsiderate!

Since that time I've been ignoring all of her calls. I don't want to deal with her therefore I won't.
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Anyway I had my first prenatal appointment. My results came back that my iron was really low so I am now on iron pills. This may explain my lethargy. Don't get me wrong I am still tired, but it's not to the extent as before I began taking my iron pills.

My midwife also suggested that I have genetic counseling due to my daughter's Tourette Syndrome. I may have a genetic test done. I'm not sure yet. I know that with the testing that I was interested in it will also reveal the baby's gender. But again I'm not sure.

Everything else, though, came back just fine.

I did have my ultrasound done approximately a week after my first prenatal appointment.

As you can see no twins. *Wipes brow*

I measured 11 weeks and my new due date is October 2, 2018. Baby is doing just fine. They were just kicking and turning and doing all types of tricks. The tech was able to get a glimpse of their hands. Aww their little fingers were so defined. I knew the baby was sitting where I figured. I could always feel this odd bulge on my right side and sure enough baby was chilling right there.

Towards the end of my 11th week began my bouts of vomiting. It's nearly as bad as any other time ad I only do it once. It's not everyday either, but it creeps up on me. I actually feel relief once I've done it.

I haven't experienced any new symptoms. More acne on my chest though. It looks disgusting!

***********

I finally told my kids. My middle daughter is excited. My youngest was very surprised. My oldest daughter seemed very unimpressed. Go figure! This is the one who has BEGGED me for a baby brother.

That's about it for right now

Ya Girl Had To Do Something Nice For Herself

Read about my very first solo trip! Parts 1 and 2 listed below!

https://singlemomsolotravels.blogspot.com/2017/04/about-my-very-first-solo-trip.html

https://singlemomsolotravels.blogspot.com/2017/07/about-my-very-first-solo-trip-pt-2.html

I Was Raped By My Daughter's Father

First I want to label this entry with a *TRIGGER WARNING* as it will be touching on the subject of rape....

This is really difficult to tell because I am just now coming to terms with the severity of the situation that is having a really negative effect on my life. Especially now. But I feel it's really important to tell because my experience (as with many women and girls) is not what people typically define as rape. Yet it is rape nonetheless.

My story:

I was 16 when I met a guy on a social media website. This was long before the days of Facebook, Tinder, and things of the likes. These were the Myspace, Cincy Peeps, and Blackplanet days. I met this particular guy on Blackplanet. Clearly he was only looking for a sexual encounter as I was too. A few messages later we met up and did what we came to do.

I learned before even meeting him that he was in his early 20's. I didn't care though. He was well aware that I was in high school and disturbingly he did not care either.

We were sexually involved with each other from the age of 16 up until I was 20.

This guy had a friend that he always referred to as DJ. DJ was about the same age as he was. Per usual I decided to sneak out of the house to meet the guy from the website. He asked me if I had a friend for DJ. I told him that I did and I gave her a call. My friend said yes she'd link up with us and we all rode to her house to get her.

These older men were all over us girls who were at the time 17 years old. Our nite ended quickly because I was caught outside of the house by my aunt when I wasn't supposed to be.

Afterward I found myself a little jealous. I found DJ attractive and I wanted him. I didn't tell her this though. The next day at school I asked how she liked DJ. She said that he was kind of cute, but she wasn't really feeling him. I was so excited to know this because I knew that I could try him without her getting upset.

Another year goes by and I'm still heavily involved with the guy that I met online.

I finally turned 18 and graduated from high school. That was my chance to be free. I didn't owe anybody an explanation for what I wanted to do because I was "grown." I was legally an adult.

The summer following my high school graduation I immediately began attending the city's local university through a high school enrichment program that allowed it's senior participants to take college classes as well as live on campus.

Well, during that stay I got an unexpected call from DJ. It was really odd because I hadn't seen, heard from, or spoken to him since the time my friend and I met up with him when we were 17. I answered and he asked if we could chill. I said yes.

He picked me up from my dorm and we drove around the city just engaging in small talk. He was drinking liquor and asked if I wanted some. I told him no.

I was a little nervous hoping that he wouldn't cause an accident. Worst case scenario I didn't want to end up dying!

We made it to our destination safely, but the destination wasn't what I expected at all. I thought we were going to chill as in go somewhere and do something in a public setting. Not a local motel.

I began feeling weird, but I followed his lead.

When we got inside he had more to drink and asked again, "You sure you don't want none?" I told him no.

He went to sit on the bed and told me to come here. I walked over hesitantly and he leaned over and kissed me. I could smell and taste the apple pucker on his breath. I did not enjoy the kiss at all, but I did it because I felt obligated somehow.

He began undressing me and undressing himself.

I just wasn't feeling it anymore, but I figured I'd go ahead and let him fuck and afterward he'd take me home that evening and I'd never have to see him again. So I played along.

He took his boxers off and attempted to penetrate me, but I was so turned off that I couldn't even fake it. I don't know what his deal was either because he was clearly soft no matter how excited he appeared to be.

He told me to give him head because, "I know that's what you do." And he forcefully pushed my head down. I did what I was told because at this point I didn't know what he was capable of. He was smaller in stature than most guys that I dealt with, but he was still a guy and much stronger than I was.

I was really disgusted and tried to hurry and get it over, but he was still soft. I decided that I didn't want to do it anymore so I stopped.

He then told me to lay down and he tried to penetrate me again. I guess he was aroused just enough to actually get it in. Meanwhile I was praying that this would quickly end.

With each pump I began regretting even being there. Regretting accepting the invitation. Regretting accepting his phone call.

My leg began to hurt so I told DJ to let me get up for a minute. He ignored me. So I waited and then said again, "Let me get up. I need to get up."

DJ said, "No not til I'm done."

This is when I really got scared. I wasn't well versed on consent at the time, but I knew that no meant no.... No matter what. I told him no and he would not stop!

I tried to force myself from up under him and he put me in a hold where his arm wrapped around the back of my neck up to the front of my neck. I couldn't move. I couldn't go anywhere. I just laid there. I was so scared. There wasn't anybody that I could call. There was simply nothing that I could do, but take it.

When he was done he got up and went to the bathroom.

I contemplated quickly getting dressed and running out of the room. I contemplated taking his wallet and using whatever cash he had to get back to campus.

Unfortunately my cell phone was dead so I couldn't use it to call a cab. I wasn't familiar with the part of town I was in and it was dark. I was just too scared. I also thought that he could potentially go searching for me and doing something worse. So I instead just sat in the bed.

I didn't say much of anything to him afterward. I just wanted to go home.

He fell asleep. I on the other hand stayed up most of the nite trying to make sense of what happened. I was so confused. I felt violated. I felt hurt. I felt stuck.

After losing my fight with sleep I dozed for a couple of hours. I woke up before he did and tried to get up figuring that this would be my chance to now leave, but he had his arm cradling my body in a way that I could not get up.

I wanted to cry.

I tried to suck it up and play nice while attempting to wake him up.

We finally made it out of the motel and he drove me back to campus.

I was completely silent. I didn't say a word.

When he dropped me off he gave me a hug and drove off.

When I got back to my dorm I couldn't even muster up the energy to speak with my roommates. I walked directly to the shower and tried my hardest to process what happened in that room. My roommates knew that something was up, but I just couldn't tell them. I got dressed for bed and went to sleep.

I went about the remainder of my summer term as if nothing happened.

I finally got the courage to tell my close friend (which was actually the one that was supposed to hook up with DJ when we were 17). I candidly told her what happened then ended with, "He raped me." The look on her face when I concluded my story was one that didn't seem convinced. She didn't tell me that I was lying, but I could tell what she was thinking so I refused to tell anyone else.

5 months after my summer term ended I found out that I was pregnant. And when I say pregnant I mean VERY pregnant. Yes, 5 months pregnant. Since I found out so late I couldn't really pinpoint at the time who the father was.

I was devastated because I was looking forward to attending college in Louisiana at Grambling State University to pursue a degree in music composition in hopes to ultimately become a band director.

By that time I was back together with a long term on again/off again boyfriend (who would later become the father to my other 2 daughters). I revealed to him that I was raped and he shamed and beat me for it.

That was it!

I convinced myself that it wasn't rape. How could someone rape me if I willingly accepted his invitation? I can't cry rape. I pushed the notion completely out of my mind.

Years later after doing some serious searching and some calculation from the date I tracked DJ down and submitted his information so that he could be tested.

It came back that he was the dad.

At the time I was simply happy to find my daughter's bio dad. Especially after finding out that she had inherited sickle cell trait. It was important to know the history of such. Furthermore it was my opportunity to get more help on behalf of our now daughter.

I met him for the first time since our last encounter. I was actually not upset, sad, or anything else. Maybe that was because I had totally erased what happened from my mind.

We had a hearing for child support where he lied about working. He said that he didn't work at all. The hearing officer caught him in the lie and said that they had all of his work information as well as wages earned. She asked why did he lie. His response was to beg and plead with the hearing officer that he takes good care of his kids and he didn't want to be made to look like he doesn't. This didn't make sense to me. The hearing officer then gave me the option to forgo the financial support and only require medical support. A decision that I had to make on the spot.

I was reminded of the weak argument that financial obligation to a child causes fathers to be absent from their children's lives. I didn't want to be seen as the person who kept a father away from his child so I agreed to medical support. I wish I had more support on that behalf otherwise I would not have agreed to medical support only.

The hearing officer assured me that if at any time I felt that he wasn't properly financially supporting her then I could make a call to have it reinstated.

At the beginning DJ did what I felt he needed to do for her. He bought her clothes and shoes. He picked her up on the weekends. I figured that this was great parenting. It at least sufficed during her preschool years up until early elementary.

Once I started being vocal about what she needs from him and how he could be of more assistance he began pushing back and basically faulting me for what was going on.

His financial support was not consistent and I began getting tired of having to remind him to cover her recurring expenses.

I finally had enough and decided to reinstate the financial support order as it's not my responsibility to remind a grown man to consistently support his child.

Around that time I joined a black feminist Facebook group. They had a specific thread touching on the topic of consent when it comes to sex. In short it stated that if a person does not stop after you've revoked your consent then it is rape. He doesn't have to fight you. He doesn't have to chase you down. It is still rape.

That notion turned my entire world upside down and caused me to cry as I responded to the thread. I'd been in denial for so long. And that I was initially right. I was raped by my daughter's father.

Through eyes blurred with tears I recounted what happened. They confirmed that this was indeed rape. I was angry. I was upset. I was sad. I felt helpless.

I wanted to press charges, but I knew that the system would not be on my side given the circumstances and the fact that it's been 12 years since it's happened.

About a month later (a few days before my birthday) I received a summons to court. My daughter's dad was filing for sole custody citing complete lies. This is all over the fact that I reinstated child support.

I felt my chest tighten. Not only did he have the ability to violate me sexually and get away with it he now has the ability to legally torment me.

I was told often by many people not to worry about it. "He won't be able to get custody of her." But at this point it's not about him getting custody which I'm sure he wont get no matter how long he draws things out.

I am more concerned with my emotional well being. This man raped me. I revoked my consent and he did not stop. I in so many words forgave him and attempted to co-parent with him. When I decided to put my foot down for what my daughter needed he became really nasty towards me and degraded me.

He told me that I'm incapable of properly raising her. That I'm incapable of giving her the tools to properly succeed in life. To hear this from someone who fucking raped me? To know that my daughter has created a bond with the guy who fucking raped me!

These days I really want to give up. It's really depressing. I cry a lot out of frustration, out of anger, out of hate for him. I often think maybe I should just allow him to get her so that it would all be over, but I can't bear to know that he could have even more leverage over me if I allow for that to happen.

Because of all of this I am forced to not display my emotions. When my daughter pushes back and capes for her dad I have to keep my mouth sealed shut because any information that she may volunteer to her dad can and will be used against me. What hurts most is that she loves my abuser.

I got a new job to better support my children, but I risk not keeping it each time I am dragged to hearings. This is unfair and there's nothing that I can do about it. I can't afford a lawyer.

I am left to pretend to be emotionally put together when I feel dead inside. I'm left to scramble to continuously provide for her while her dad shells out thousands of dollars to an attorney in an effort to evade paying child support that he hasn't paid in 11 years. And if I do anything the least bit questionable I am scrutinized. I'm so tired.

This is my story and I'm no longer going to suffer my pain in silence.

Don't Sexualize My Daughter... The Reality of Raising Young Black Girls

When I finally think I got this parenting thing down I'm always hit with something that I didn't see coming... You know, growing up as a girl into a woman I was always pulled to the side and told "Don't dress like that because I don't want grown men looking at you." "You don't need to be around those boys. Go find some girls to play with." "Here, go change into these clothes." *hands me oversized tshirt and baggy shorts* "Stop being fast and get off of the phone with those boys." *gets hair cut short* "You look grown." *watching news report of molestation of a young girl* "See, thats why girls need to stop dressing like this/acting like that. Then these things would stop happening."

*sigh* I could go on and on with my own personal experiences as growing up as a young girl... A young black girl. I'm sure many of you (now women) can say that you've heard the same things growing up. I can also say that many hold true to those things as damaging as they are.

It wasn't until recently, that I began wondering "How did I make it to womanhood unscathed despite the constant shame?" I'd be lying to say that that I was unscathed. In fact I'm still trying to deconstruct my mind from the years and years of shame that was hurled at me under the guise of protection and learning what it takes to become a woman.

I never knew that adults were to be held accountable for their actions towards a child. I never knew that even if she "wanted it" it was indeed sexual abuse to engage sexually with a child. I never knew that it's always rape and sexual misconduct even if she wore something revealing or if she didn't have to be physically forced. I never knew.

Despite all of the shame disguised as protection, the truth was that I was vulnerable. So vulnerable that I would have been likely to blame myself if I were to have been taken advantage of by an adult.

Fast forward to now...

The reality of this problem didn't fully come to a head until I allowed my daughter to dance. This girl LOVES to dance. She's not on a dance team at the moment because I have other priorities to tend to, but you wouldn't know it by looking at her. She is constantly dancing. She will dance in the grocery store, on our walk to school, at home. She'd dance herself to sleep if I let her!

She often says, and I quote, "Dancing is my life!"

So you can imagine how my blood boiled when I was approached by this guy that I know who found my facebook page. At the time I had a picture of my daughter in some pants and her dance team's crop top as my profile picture. He proceeded to give me his unsolicited opinion... "That's why I don't let my daughter do this kind of stuff. These girls are too fast. I don't like that. I don't want grown men looking at her. My daughter could never do that and dress like that."

My response to him was.... "I'm sorry that your daughter will never be able to experience anything like dance. I feel bad for her that her daddy would rather make it seem as if young girls are only dancing and dressing up to turn men on rather than dancing because it's something that they enjoy. Please stay away from my page."

In that moment I was reminded of everything that was pounded in my head as soon as my parents noticed my growing body and new interests. I was never allowed to cheerlead for the same perverted reasons that this guy said he'd never allow his daughter to dance.

For these reasons I gave up on a lot as a young girl, because my innocence was so sexualized that I could not take pride in things that interested me.

I refuse to be the reason why my daughter gives up on her dream of being a dance teacher.

I refuse to sexualize or shame my children's actions.