A Not So Happy Mother's Day

First off I want to say Happy Mothers Day to everyone!

Unfortunately I'll be spending my Mother's Day in a huge corporate office alone because the "father" of my oldest daughter continues to drag me to court. In order for me to make my hearing tomorrow and not use PTO I will have to make up my hours on Mothers Day instead.

What I wanted to focus on in this post though is this need by both men and women to degrade and shame women on a day that's meant to acknowledge their hard work and sacrifice.

I want to preface this post by saying that I'm not without fault because I used to do this too. I used to dedicate about 4 or 5 posts as well as invite myself onto other people's post to debate them. Out of order and out of line. I'm sure if you were to go back far enough on my facebook profile you'll find those very posts.

Being forced to realize things for what they are due to my current situation has taught me that I did not know what the fuck I was talking about.

I have no right to tell a woman how she should identify herself and what she should call herself because I for damn sure know that a mother does not one day wake up and say, "I think I'm going to boot my child's father out of her life and start calling myself her father instead."

That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works!

This belief by those who are adamant about telling women who they are and aren't is usually followed up by, "You knew who he was when you decided to have a baby. You chose him! Deal with it!"

This hurts me and in turn I hurt for all who have been abused, whose children's lives have been in danger, those who are being manipulated in ways by the father that makes it difficult to give their children what they need. At this point it doesn't matter who chose who. We will NOT make the mother the reason for a deadbeat being a deadbeat.

In my instance my child's father chose me. What do I mean by that? I mean he preyed on me. When I became of age he raped me. My daughter is a result of this. My entire story is explained here: http://sbmmemoirs.blogspot.com/2016/04/i-was-raped-by-my-daughters-father.html

Furthermore I get minimal help on his behalf and am being tormented with multiple court hearings in an effort for him not to care for his daughter. I have earned every right to call myself both mother and father whenever I feel like it.

Some of you need to get the fuck out of your self righteous feelings and realize that your crusade to shame women for something that you didn't have to go through is problematic as fuck.

UPDATE... Where have I been? What's been going on?:

So these past few weeks. Month really... I've been dealing with a looming custody case set for mid April. It's been the cause of me not being very active and was (still is) the source of my anger and frustration that I've been experiencing as of late.
While preparing for my court date I began to realize that mothers (which there are many) who are in the position of being manipulated in this way by their children's fathers are really without many physical resources. I learned this quickly when reaching out to different orgs. They only deal with cases where children are in immediate danger.
While I received a lot of reassurance that I have nothing to worry about in terms of losing sole custody it's no lie that it can be really scary for a mother with absolutely no experience in this area and who knows she's done no wrong....
A few great things happened to me in these past couple weeks. I am able to go back to school and I just accepted a great new job.
This motivated me to channel my frustration and anger surrounding this custody case into something positive.
I want to ultimately set up a community based resource center for mothers who are subjected to this type of manipulation. I want to empower women to be vocal and unapologetic about demanding what's needed for their children. And have the necessary tools to stand firm in this decision and to legally take on any retaliation initiated by the other party.
I'm still trying to figure what needs to be done to accomplish this goal, but I'm so dedicated to making this happen!

Self Care No Longer Taking A Back Seat

As single mothers. Especially black single mothers we are often always expected to always love our job as being mothers. That's not to say that we don't love our children, but I'm talking about the job of being a mother and being forced to parent alone. It is hard work. And we are expected to love every minute of it.

We are expected to never regret. We are expected to be strong. We are expected to roll with the punches and never complain about the "life we chose."

I am here to say it's okay NOT to be strong. At least by society's standards. While we are mothers and often have to carry the entire load on our own, we are allowed to feel frustration. We are allowed to feel defeat. We are allowed to cry. We are allowed to question why. We are allowed to take time set boundaries, protect our energy, and create safe places to vent those frustrations. We are allowed to take time to care for ourselves physically and mentally. And in that safe place come up with workable solutions that will make mothering a bit easier to navigate through.

I decided to take my own advice and began going to see a therapist.

It was a HUGE and very difficult decision for me to make. Even after reaching out to the therapist I still debated up until my ride out to her office whether I wanted to actually go through with it. And with all of the stigmas attached to doing things like this especially in the black community as well as the mindset that single black mothers are expected to be invincible. You can see why it was such a hard decision.

I want to share with you all the moment in which I realized "I need to take care of me."

It was a few hours before my shift started.

I just dropped the kids off at school. I made myself some breakfast, ate, and cleaned up a bit.

After I cleaned up the house I decided to light an incense and sat in my room to take a quick breather because around that time I was working from 2pm until 8pm. Then would work again that evening from 10pm until 2am every weekday. Unfortunately in the other room I didn't realize that part of my incense somehow began burning through some paper that I had nearby. I didn't know this until I decided to get up (a little refreshed from finally being able to sit down and rest) and walked into the living room. I was surprised to see that my living room was full of thick white smoke yet no actual fire. I quickly put out my incense and opened my balcony window to let the smoke out.

All the while I was really confused as to how the papers began burning with the incense sitting in the holder and why I couldn't smell the smoke at all being that my bedroom is the closest room to the living room. Surely with that much smoke it would have hit my bedroom first. Secondly my smoke detector did not go off at all. So if there was indeed a real fire consuming my living room I would not have even known.

Those thoughts sent me into a panic and I began really working myself up into a crying fit over the fact that I really truly don't have help in all of this when it comes to raising children. I actually said to myself in that moment "I can't. I can't do this by myself anymore. Something needs to change. I need help."

Why? Because I am clearly overwhelmed and I put my needs and self care on the back burner. And this manifests itself in many harmful ways. I needed something that would help me safely advocate for my self care. Because if I'm not right then my babies aren't.

So I contacted my therapist that same day. And she quickly responded.

This was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. It is sooo important to have that safe place for you to vent and come up with workable solutions. It is so important.

I know it can be difficult when you're dealing with all types of barriers and stigmas, but I really do recommend looking into having one. You don't have to have "problems" to seek one out. They can give you a different perspective which may aid in you doing things that you otherwise thought you couldn't.

Even if therapy isn't the route. It's just always important to make time for you. Create that safe space and tend to your needs.

Keep Space by Ms. Wrights Way (link below)

Ah.... One of the hardest things about parenting alone... Its like you have to block out everything to keep sane, but in the process you constantly (most times unknowingly in the moment) reject your kids love... When in fact their love is really the only thing that matters... To me at least. My kids are all I have and there are no conditions to their love for me despite my blocking everything out (sometimes including them).

This video was really special to me and reminded in the midst if all that I'm dealing with right now that I can't shut my babies out. I cried as I watched and I'm crying as I type this because I know. I know all too well. This is a tough thing to balance all on your own. But it's imperative that we be attentive. Especially to the little ones that need us and love us no matter what.

Keep Space by Ms. Wrights Way

I Had An Emotional Breakdown The Other Day....

10 years into having my first child reality just really hit me. I am doing this all on my own. This realization wasn't without a crying fit. I am physically and emotionally tired. Every necessity provided, all of my guidance, my sacrifice, and well intentions are often questioned and scrutinized. Meanwhile the absent parent is praised for the few novelty things that they do.

I just moved into a new place and instead of enjoying my move I am incredibly stressed.

I love my kids, but without the proper support I am tired.

I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. Please feel free to vent your single mother frustrations here.

Stay tuned for my next post to see one of my many steps to relieve my frustrations. And remember don't ever feel guilty for doing what you need to do to provide for your children and to ease the stress of motherhood.

Don't Sexualize My Daughter... The Reality of Raising Young Black Girls

When I finally think I got this parenting thing down I'm always hit with something that I didn't see coming... You know, growing up as a girl into a woman I was always pulled to the side and told "Don't dress like that because I don't want grown men looking at you." "You don't need to be around those boys. Go find some girls to play with." "Here, go change into these clothes." *hands me oversized tshirt and baggy shorts* "Stop being fast and get off of the phone with those boys." *gets hair cut short* "You look grown." *watching news report of molestation of a young girl* "See, thats why girls need to stop dressing like this/acting like that. Then these things would stop happening."

*sigh* I could go on and on with my own personal experiences as growing up as a young girl... A young black girl. I'm sure many of you (now women) can say that you've heard the same things growing up. I can also say that many hold true to those things as damaging as they are.

It wasn't until recently, that I began wondering "How did I make it to womanhood unscathed despite the constant shame?" I'd be lying to say that that I was unscathed. In fact I'm still trying to deconstruct my mind from the years and years of shame that was hurled at me under the guise of protection and learning what it takes to become a woman.

I never knew that adults were to be held accountable for their actions towards a child. I never knew that even if she "wanted it" it was indeed sexual abuse to engage sexually with a child. I never knew that it's always rape and sexual misconduct even if she wore something revealing or if she didn't have to be physically forced. I never knew.

Despite all of the shame disguised as protection, the truth was that I was vulnerable. So vulnerable that I would have been likely to blame myself if I were to have been taken advantage of by an adult.

Fast forward to now...

The reality of this problem didn't fully come to a head until I allowed my daughter to dance. This girl LOVES to dance. She's not on a dance team at the moment because I have other priorities to tend to, but you wouldn't know it by looking at her. She is constantly dancing. She will dance in the grocery store, on our walk to school, at home. She'd dance herself to sleep if I let her!

She often says, and I quote, "Dancing is my life!"

So you can imagine how my blood boiled when I was approached by this guy that I know who found my facebook page. At the time I had a picture of my daughter in some pants and her dance team's crop top as my profile picture. He proceeded to give me his unsolicited opinion... "That's why I don't let my daughter do this kind of stuff. These girls are too fast. I don't like that. I don't want grown men looking at her. My daughter could never do that and dress like that."

My response to him was.... "I'm sorry that your daughter will never be able to experience anything like dance. I feel bad for her that her daddy would rather make it seem as if young girls are only dancing and dressing up to turn men on rather than dancing because it's something that they enjoy. Please stay away from my page."

In that moment I was reminded of everything that was pounded in my head as soon as my parents noticed my growing body and new interests. I was never allowed to cheerlead for the same perverted reasons that this guy said he'd never allow his daughter to dance.

For these reasons I gave up on a lot as a young girl, because my innocence was so sexualized that I could not take pride in things that interested me.

I refuse to be the reason why my daughter gives up on her dream of being a dance teacher.

I refuse to sexualize or shame my children's actions.