Ya Girl Had To Do Something Nice For Herself

Read about my very first solo trip! Parts 1 and 2 listed below!

https://singlemomsolotravels.blogspot.com/2017/04/about-my-very-first-solo-trip.html

https://singlemomsolotravels.blogspot.com/2017/07/about-my-very-first-solo-trip-pt-2.html

A Not So Happy Mother's Day

First off I want to say Happy Mothers Day to everyone!

Unfortunately I'll be spending my Mother's Day in a huge corporate office alone because the "father" of my oldest daughter continues to drag me to court. In order for me to make my hearing tomorrow and not use PTO I will have to make up my hours on Mothers Day instead.

What I wanted to focus on in this post though is this need by both men and women to degrade and shame women on a day that's meant to acknowledge their hard work and sacrifice.

I want to preface this post by saying that I'm not without fault because I used to do this too. I used to dedicate about 4 or 5 posts as well as invite myself onto other people's post to debate them. Out of order and out of line. I'm sure if you were to go back far enough on my facebook profile you'll find those very posts.

Being forced to realize things for what they are due to my current situation has taught me that I did not know what the fuck I was talking about.

I have no right to tell a woman how she should identify herself and what she should call herself because I for damn sure know that a mother does not one day wake up and say, "I think I'm going to boot my child's father out of her life and start calling myself her father instead."

That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works!

This belief by those who are adamant about telling women who they are and aren't is usually followed up by, "You knew who he was when you decided to have a baby. You chose him! Deal with it!"

This hurts me and in turn I hurt for all who have been abused, whose children's lives have been in danger, those who are being manipulated in ways by the father that makes it difficult to give their children what they need. At this point it doesn't matter who chose who. We will NOT make the mother the reason for a deadbeat being a deadbeat.

In my instance my child's father chose me. What do I mean by that? I mean he preyed on me. When I became of age he raped me. My daughter is a result of this. My entire story is explained here: http://sbmmemoirs.blogspot.com/2016/04/i-was-raped-by-my-daughters-father.html

Furthermore I get minimal help on his behalf and am being tormented with multiple court hearings in an effort for him not to care for his daughter. I have earned every right to call myself both mother and father whenever I feel like it.

Some of you need to get the fuck out of your self righteous feelings and realize that your crusade to shame women for something that you didn't have to go through is problematic as fuck.

I Just Wanna Give Up!

I have a friend on Facebook who is also a single mother of color. She is very open and honest about her struggles with being a single mother and I adore her for being brave enough to post what I'm afraid to say as it relates to motherhood/single parenthood.

Amid her bravery it really hurt me to see the struggle she has to endure. It really hit me hard last nite to see that she was having a very difficult time trying to stay afloat financially and mentally. I could identify with her frustration and pain so much and in return felt horrible that I couldn't assist.

It also made me reflect on what I'm going through.... The whole being forced to care for my daughter alone and then punished and retaliated against when I decide to put my foot down and demand from my daughter's father what she needs. How he routinely gaslights me and puts me down (as he did last nite as well). Knowing that he can legally involve my daughter in a matter that can and has emotionally traumatized her in order to get out of providing for her as he should.

I've dealt with abuse, rape, shame, and so much more from childhood up until now. The most of my advice is to "not focus on the negative," "there are people who have it worse than you," "you're overreacting" "be happy that you're simply alive" How can I be happy to be alive when I feel as though I'm dying inside? I am tired and just want to give up.

But you know what I'm going to do? Keep going. Not because I'm not tired.... Not because I'm happy.... It's because a mother (especially a single mother of color) being open about her struggles are so demonized that if I show any sign of distress that I'll be punished for saying so.

What a fucked up world we live in.

UPDATE... Where have I been? What's been going on?:

So these past few weeks. Month really... I've been dealing with a looming custody case set for mid April. It's been the cause of me not being very active and was (still is) the source of my anger and frustration that I've been experiencing as of late.
While preparing for my court date I began to realize that mothers (which there are many) who are in the position of being manipulated in this way by their children's fathers are really without many physical resources. I learned this quickly when reaching out to different orgs. They only deal with cases where children are in immediate danger.
While I received a lot of reassurance that I have nothing to worry about in terms of losing sole custody it's no lie that it can be really scary for a mother with absolutely no experience in this area and who knows she's done no wrong....
A few great things happened to me in these past couple weeks. I am able to go back to school and I just accepted a great new job.
This motivated me to channel my frustration and anger surrounding this custody case into something positive.
I want to ultimately set up a community based resource center for mothers who are subjected to this type of manipulation. I want to empower women to be vocal and unapologetic about demanding what's needed for their children. And have the necessary tools to stand firm in this decision and to legally take on any retaliation initiated by the other party.
I'm still trying to figure what needs to be done to accomplish this goal, but I'm so dedicated to making this happen!

This Is Not Co-Parenting

 I always envisioned a life of co-parenting consisting of mutual agreements when it comes to rearing, disciplining, and things of that sort. That is not to say that we will or must agree on every issue. I feel like in order to effectively raise a child the parents must be somewhat willing to be on the same page, listen and incorporate different child rearing methods. You must be involved in the child's day to day life even if she isn't under your primary care.

I never imagined, though, that I'd be in a position to receive so much pushback and non participation when it comes to different issues surrounding our daughter. The way that my daughter's father and I co-parent is not even co-parenting at all. He'd rather do things his way on his own.

He feels that doing fun things, getting her on the weekends, preparing her a space in his own house, and buying her clothes is co-parenting... THIS IS NOT CO-PARENTING!

Why am I declaring this now? Well, I'm kind of frustrated with and find it unacceptable to have to navigate this parenting alone. Which to me is the real definition of single motherhood. Yeah we can attribute the "single" to a mother's marital status, but let's be real. When we say single in regards to parenting we not only mean in regards to marital status, but in simply physically and/or financially caring for your kids.

Example: My daughter's been having a bit of a problem with her mouth and attitude. I can pin it to her being a growing girl transitioning into adolescence. Other things require redirection, discipline, and consistency. I reached out to her father in an attempt to established some sort of structure... Or like chain of command type of deal to where (even if he has no use for it) if a situation arose where it was necessary to implement then it would be very effective. I want her to expect the same discipline whether she's with me or him. It was basically that I simply wanted to be on the same page. His answer to me was that I let her get away with too much and he never has this problem.

Now there's only so much gaslighting that I can take. So I feel forced (in order to preserve my peace) to give up reaching out in an attempt to co-parent. I care about my daughter's need for consistency, but it's seeming to be an impossible feat when it comes to her daddy.... To know that you don't have the support of someone who is to be there to help physically and financially raise the kid(s) you have together makes everything so hard! It is exhausting!

I Had An Emotional Breakdown The Other Day....

10 years into having my first child reality just really hit me. I am doing this all on my own. This realization wasn't without a crying fit. I am physically and emotionally tired. Every necessity provided, all of my guidance, my sacrifice, and well intentions are often questioned and scrutinized. Meanwhile the absent parent is praised for the few novelty things that they do.

I just moved into a new place and instead of enjoying my move I am incredibly stressed.

I love my kids, but without the proper support I am tired.

I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. Please feel free to vent your single mother frustrations here.

Stay tuned for my next post to see one of my many steps to relieve my frustrations. And remember don't ever feel guilty for doing what you need to do to provide for your children and to ease the stress of motherhood.

Don't Sexualize My Daughter... The Reality of Raising Young Black Girls

When I finally think I got this parenting thing down I'm always hit with something that I didn't see coming... You know, growing up as a girl into a woman I was always pulled to the side and told "Don't dress like that because I don't want grown men looking at you." "You don't need to be around those boys. Go find some girls to play with." "Here, go change into these clothes." *hands me oversized tshirt and baggy shorts* "Stop being fast and get off of the phone with those boys." *gets hair cut short* "You look grown." *watching news report of molestation of a young girl* "See, thats why girls need to stop dressing like this/acting like that. Then these things would stop happening."

*sigh* I could go on and on with my own personal experiences as growing up as a young girl... A young black girl. I'm sure many of you (now women) can say that you've heard the same things growing up. I can also say that many hold true to those things as damaging as they are.

It wasn't until recently, that I began wondering "How did I make it to womanhood unscathed despite the constant shame?" I'd be lying to say that that I was unscathed. In fact I'm still trying to deconstruct my mind from the years and years of shame that was hurled at me under the guise of protection and learning what it takes to become a woman.

I never knew that adults were to be held accountable for their actions towards a child. I never knew that even if she "wanted it" it was indeed sexual abuse to engage sexually with a child. I never knew that it's always rape and sexual misconduct even if she wore something revealing or if she didn't have to be physically forced. I never knew.

Despite all of the shame disguised as protection, the truth was that I was vulnerable. So vulnerable that I would have been likely to blame myself if I were to have been taken advantage of by an adult.

Fast forward to now...

The reality of this problem didn't fully come to a head until I allowed my daughter to dance. This girl LOVES to dance. She's not on a dance team at the moment because I have other priorities to tend to, but you wouldn't know it by looking at her. She is constantly dancing. She will dance in the grocery store, on our walk to school, at home. She'd dance herself to sleep if I let her!

She often says, and I quote, "Dancing is my life!"

So you can imagine how my blood boiled when I was approached by this guy that I know who found my facebook page. At the time I had a picture of my daughter in some pants and her dance team's crop top as my profile picture. He proceeded to give me his unsolicited opinion... "That's why I don't let my daughter do this kind of stuff. These girls are too fast. I don't like that. I don't want grown men looking at her. My daughter could never do that and dress like that."

My response to him was.... "I'm sorry that your daughter will never be able to experience anything like dance. I feel bad for her that her daddy would rather make it seem as if young girls are only dancing and dressing up to turn men on rather than dancing because it's something that they enjoy. Please stay away from my page."

In that moment I was reminded of everything that was pounded in my head as soon as my parents noticed my growing body and new interests. I was never allowed to cheerlead for the same perverted reasons that this guy said he'd never allow his daughter to dance.

For these reasons I gave up on a lot as a young girl, because my innocence was so sexualized that I could not take pride in things that interested me.

I refuse to be the reason why my daughter gives up on her dream of being a dance teacher.

I refuse to sexualize or shame my children's actions.

SBM Lunch Ideas!

I know as a single parent it can be a little difficult trying to run your household and be sure that your children are eating healthy.

Here are a few healthier lunch idea for both you and the kids!