So these past few weeks. Month really... I've been dealing with a looming custody case set for mid April. It's been the cause of me not being very active and was (still is) the source of my anger and frustration that I've been experiencing as of late.
While preparing for my court date I began to realize that mothers (which there are many) who are in the position of being manipulated in this way by their children's fathers are really without many physical resources. I learned this quickly when reaching out to different orgs. They only deal with cases where children are in immediate danger.
While I received a lot of reassurance that I have nothing to worry about in terms of losing sole custody it's no lie that it can be really scary for a mother with absolutely no experience in this area and who knows she's done no wrong....
A few great things happened to me in these past couple weeks. I am able to go back to school and I just accepted a great new job.
This motivated me to channel my frustration and anger surrounding this custody case into something positive.
I want to ultimately set up a community based resource center for mothers who are subjected to this type of manipulation. I want to empower women to be vocal and unapologetic about demanding what's needed for their children. And have the necessary tools to stand firm in this decision and to legally take on any retaliation initiated by the other party.
I'm still trying to figure what needs to be done to accomplish this goal, but I'm so dedicated to making this happen!
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Self Care No Longer Taking A Back Seat
As single mothers. Especially black single mothers we are often always expected to always love our job as being mothers. That's not to say that we don't love our children, but I'm talking about the job of being a mother and being forced to parent alone. It is hard work. And we are expected to love every minute of it.
We are expected to never regret. We are expected to be strong. We are expected to roll with the punches and never complain about the "life we chose."
I am here to say it's okay NOT to be strong. At least by society's standards. While we are mothers and often have to carry the entire load on our own, we are allowed to feel frustration. We are allowed to feel defeat. We are allowed to cry. We are allowed to question why. We are allowed to take time set boundaries, protect our energy, and create safe places to vent those frustrations. We are allowed to take time to care for ourselves physically and mentally. And in that safe place come up with workable solutions that will make mothering a bit easier to navigate through.
I decided to take my own advice and began going to see a therapist.
It was a HUGE and very difficult decision for me to make. Even after reaching out to the therapist I still debated up until my ride out to her office whether I wanted to actually go through with it. And with all of the stigmas attached to doing things like this especially in the black community as well as the mindset that single black mothers are expected to be invincible. You can see why it was such a hard decision.
I want to share with you all the moment in which I realized "I need to take care of me."
It was a few hours before my shift started.
I just dropped the kids off at school. I made myself some breakfast, ate, and cleaned up a bit.
After I cleaned up the house I decided to light an incense and sat in my room to take a quick breather because around that time I was working from 2pm until 8pm. Then would work again that evening from 10pm until 2am every weekday. Unfortunately in the other room I didn't realize that part of my incense somehow began burning through some paper that I had nearby. I didn't know this until I decided to get up (a little refreshed from finally being able to sit down and rest) and walked into the living room. I was surprised to see that my living room was full of thick white smoke yet no actual fire. I quickly put out my incense and opened my balcony window to let the smoke out.
All the while I was really confused as to how the papers began burning with the incense sitting in the holder and why I couldn't smell the smoke at all being that my bedroom is the closest room to the living room. Surely with that much smoke it would have hit my bedroom first. Secondly my smoke detector did not go off at all. So if there was indeed a real fire consuming my living room I would not have even known.
Those thoughts sent me into a panic and I began really working myself up into a crying fit over the fact that I really truly don't have help in all of this when it comes to raising children. I actually said to myself in that moment "I can't. I can't do this by myself anymore. Something needs to change. I need help."
Why? Because I am clearly overwhelmed and I put my needs and self care on the back burner. And this manifests itself in many harmful ways. I needed something that would help me safely advocate for my self care. Because if I'm not right then my babies aren't.
So I contacted my therapist that same day. And she quickly responded.
This was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. It is sooo important to have that safe place for you to vent and come up with workable solutions. It is so important.
I know it can be difficult when you're dealing with all types of barriers and stigmas, but I really do recommend looking into having one. You don't have to have "problems" to seek one out. They can give you a different perspective which may aid in you doing things that you otherwise thought you couldn't.
Even if therapy isn't the route. It's just always important to make time for you. Create that safe space and tend to your needs.
We are expected to never regret. We are expected to be strong. We are expected to roll with the punches and never complain about the "life we chose."
I am here to say it's okay NOT to be strong. At least by society's standards. While we are mothers and often have to carry the entire load on our own, we are allowed to feel frustration. We are allowed to feel defeat. We are allowed to cry. We are allowed to question why. We are allowed to take time set boundaries, protect our energy, and create safe places to vent those frustrations. We are allowed to take time to care for ourselves physically and mentally. And in that safe place come up with workable solutions that will make mothering a bit easier to navigate through.
I decided to take my own advice and began going to see a therapist.
It was a HUGE and very difficult decision for me to make. Even after reaching out to the therapist I still debated up until my ride out to her office whether I wanted to actually go through with it. And with all of the stigmas attached to doing things like this especially in the black community as well as the mindset that single black mothers are expected to be invincible. You can see why it was such a hard decision.
I want to share with you all the moment in which I realized "I need to take care of me."
It was a few hours before my shift started.
I just dropped the kids off at school. I made myself some breakfast, ate, and cleaned up a bit.
After I cleaned up the house I decided to light an incense and sat in my room to take a quick breather because around that time I was working from 2pm until 8pm. Then would work again that evening from 10pm until 2am every weekday. Unfortunately in the other room I didn't realize that part of my incense somehow began burning through some paper that I had nearby. I didn't know this until I decided to get up (a little refreshed from finally being able to sit down and rest) and walked into the living room. I was surprised to see that my living room was full of thick white smoke yet no actual fire. I quickly put out my incense and opened my balcony window to let the smoke out.
All the while I was really confused as to how the papers began burning with the incense sitting in the holder and why I couldn't smell the smoke at all being that my bedroom is the closest room to the living room. Surely with that much smoke it would have hit my bedroom first. Secondly my smoke detector did not go off at all. So if there was indeed a real fire consuming my living room I would not have even known.
Those thoughts sent me into a panic and I began really working myself up into a crying fit over the fact that I really truly don't have help in all of this when it comes to raising children. I actually said to myself in that moment "I can't. I can't do this by myself anymore. Something needs to change. I need help."
Why? Because I am clearly overwhelmed and I put my needs and self care on the back burner. And this manifests itself in many harmful ways. I needed something that would help me safely advocate for my self care. Because if I'm not right then my babies aren't.
So I contacted my therapist that same day. And she quickly responded.
This was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. It is sooo important to have that safe place for you to vent and come up with workable solutions. It is so important.
I know it can be difficult when you're dealing with all types of barriers and stigmas, but I really do recommend looking into having one. You don't have to have "problems" to seek one out. They can give you a different perspective which may aid in you doing things that you otherwise thought you couldn't.
Even if therapy isn't the route. It's just always important to make time for you. Create that safe space and tend to your needs.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)