Harassed By An Uber Driver For Being A Single Mother

An update was in the works... (It's still coming and very exciting!) But I felt it necessary to share my not so good experiences with Uber.

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So this evening I decided to take a trip to the movies with a friend of mine because I needed a little time away with adults.

I caught an Uber to the theater to meet up with my friend all the while anticipating a bomb ass show.

So imagine my anger when a very light conversation turned into my driver shaming me.

It started with me apologizing for running a minute late out of the house. He didn't DESERVE an explanation, but I lightheartedly told him that my brother was a little behind in getting to my house to watch my kids. Innocent enough, right?

He goes and asks, "Are you a single mother?"

I answered.... "Ummm... yes?"

And it was all downhill from there. I spent an entire ride listening to him tell me how it's a woman's fault for deciding to have kids with someone who willingly up and leaves. Mind you he has no clue about my situation as I hadn't volunteered any in depth information about why I'm a single mother. He doesn't know if whether my kids father has died, if whether I'm a victim of rape, etc. He just doesn't know.

He goes on to tell me that I need to look in the mirror and figure out why he left because having kids is 90% a woman's choice. And he was very vulgar while saying this.

Could I have said something? Yep. I almost bit a hole thru my tongue though. Why? Because I don't know this "man" from shit. My protest could have got me missing. And going by his tone I felt forced to stay silent.

When I finally made it to the theater I was shaking mad. I'm sure my friend could see it. I spent the entire preview time trying to write up this report.

Luckily I enjoyed myself at the movies despite it all.

When I got in the car with my friend, I received a message from Uber saying that they are sorry for my experience and that they'll credit my $5 towards a trip. 5??? I want my entire trip fare back for having to endure such harassment.

How tf does Uber even think that was acceptable? I don't want a credit. I want my money back and that fool to be dealt with.

**Update** I wrote Uber back saying this: "A $5 credit is unacceptable. This is not the first time I've experienced inappropriate behavior from an Uber driver, but today is the first time I've reported. Today was the last straw and ruined what should have been a good time. Instead of enjoying myself I was busy trying to calm myself down from a confusing, hostile and hurtful experience and missing parts of the movie to try to recount my horrible experience. The very least you could do is refund me my entire trip. He also needs to be let go. He does not know me at all. And the fact that he felt comfortable enough to talk to me this way is a huge problem. There's no telling what other type vile and hurtful things he's said to other women passengers"

Uber's response? That they'll credit me an extra $10.

No! Still not good enough. I want accountability for your driver and for you all to refund me back my money because I plan to never use Uber again!

I listen to (as I'm sure other single mothers listen to) and read from people everyday how they are to blame for this and that.... How they are unlovable, damaged, etc. While I don't need not a one damn man to prove my worth or to have around just to say there's a physical presence of a male.... That experience sent me to a place that I've worked hard for years to get out of for so many reasons that ppl have no clue about.

Uber and this bitch ass nigga owe down

To those who are reading I'm open to listening to your stories. Uber must be held accountable.

I Just Wanna Give Up!

I have a friend on Facebook who is also a single mother of color. She is very open and honest about her struggles with being a single mother and I adore her for being brave enough to post what I'm afraid to say as it relates to motherhood/single parenthood.

Amid her bravery it really hurt me to see the struggle she has to endure. It really hit me hard last nite to see that she was having a very difficult time trying to stay afloat financially and mentally. I could identify with her frustration and pain so much and in return felt horrible that I couldn't assist.

It also made me reflect on what I'm going through.... The whole being forced to care for my daughter alone and then punished and retaliated against when I decide to put my foot down and demand from my daughter's father what she needs. How he routinely gaslights me and puts me down (as he did last nite as well). Knowing that he can legally involve my daughter in a matter that can and has emotionally traumatized her in order to get out of providing for her as he should.

I've dealt with abuse, rape, shame, and so much more from childhood up until now. The most of my advice is to "not focus on the negative," "there are people who have it worse than you," "you're overreacting" "be happy that you're simply alive" How can I be happy to be alive when I feel as though I'm dying inside? I am tired and just want to give up.

But you know what I'm going to do? Keep going. Not because I'm not tired.... Not because I'm happy.... It's because a mother (especially a single mother of color) being open about her struggles are so demonized that if I show any sign of distress that I'll be punished for saying so.

What a fucked up world we live in.

UPDATE... Where have I been? What's been going on?:

So these past few weeks. Month really... I've been dealing with a looming custody case set for mid April. It's been the cause of me not being very active and was (still is) the source of my anger and frustration that I've been experiencing as of late.
While preparing for my court date I began to realize that mothers (which there are many) who are in the position of being manipulated in this way by their children's fathers are really without many physical resources. I learned this quickly when reaching out to different orgs. They only deal with cases where children are in immediate danger.
While I received a lot of reassurance that I have nothing to worry about in terms of losing sole custody it's no lie that it can be really scary for a mother with absolutely no experience in this area and who knows she's done no wrong....
A few great things happened to me in these past couple weeks. I am able to go back to school and I just accepted a great new job.
This motivated me to channel my frustration and anger surrounding this custody case into something positive.
I want to ultimately set up a community based resource center for mothers who are subjected to this type of manipulation. I want to empower women to be vocal and unapologetic about demanding what's needed for their children. And have the necessary tools to stand firm in this decision and to legally take on any retaliation initiated by the other party.
I'm still trying to figure what needs to be done to accomplish this goal, but I'm so dedicated to making this happen!

Self Care No Longer Taking A Back Seat

As single mothers. Especially black single mothers we are often always expected to always love our job as being mothers. That's not to say that we don't love our children, but I'm talking about the job of being a mother and being forced to parent alone. It is hard work. And we are expected to love every minute of it.

We are expected to never regret. We are expected to be strong. We are expected to roll with the punches and never complain about the "life we chose."

I am here to say it's okay NOT to be strong. At least by society's standards. While we are mothers and often have to carry the entire load on our own, we are allowed to feel frustration. We are allowed to feel defeat. We are allowed to cry. We are allowed to question why. We are allowed to take time set boundaries, protect our energy, and create safe places to vent those frustrations. We are allowed to take time to care for ourselves physically and mentally. And in that safe place come up with workable solutions that will make mothering a bit easier to navigate through.

I decided to take my own advice and began going to see a therapist.

It was a HUGE and very difficult decision for me to make. Even after reaching out to the therapist I still debated up until my ride out to her office whether I wanted to actually go through with it. And with all of the stigmas attached to doing things like this especially in the black community as well as the mindset that single black mothers are expected to be invincible. You can see why it was such a hard decision.

I want to share with you all the moment in which I realized "I need to take care of me."

It was a few hours before my shift started.

I just dropped the kids off at school. I made myself some breakfast, ate, and cleaned up a bit.

After I cleaned up the house I decided to light an incense and sat in my room to take a quick breather because around that time I was working from 2pm until 8pm. Then would work again that evening from 10pm until 2am every weekday. Unfortunately in the other room I didn't realize that part of my incense somehow began burning through some paper that I had nearby. I didn't know this until I decided to get up (a little refreshed from finally being able to sit down and rest) and walked into the living room. I was surprised to see that my living room was full of thick white smoke yet no actual fire. I quickly put out my incense and opened my balcony window to let the smoke out.

All the while I was really confused as to how the papers began burning with the incense sitting in the holder and why I couldn't smell the smoke at all being that my bedroom is the closest room to the living room. Surely with that much smoke it would have hit my bedroom first. Secondly my smoke detector did not go off at all. So if there was indeed a real fire consuming my living room I would not have even known.

Those thoughts sent me into a panic and I began really working myself up into a crying fit over the fact that I really truly don't have help in all of this when it comes to raising children. I actually said to myself in that moment "I can't. I can't do this by myself anymore. Something needs to change. I need help."

Why? Because I am clearly overwhelmed and I put my needs and self care on the back burner. And this manifests itself in many harmful ways. I needed something that would help me safely advocate for my self care. Because if I'm not right then my babies aren't.

So I contacted my therapist that same day. And she quickly responded.

This was the best decision I could have ever made for myself. It is sooo important to have that safe place for you to vent and come up with workable solutions. It is so important.

I know it can be difficult when you're dealing with all types of barriers and stigmas, but I really do recommend looking into having one. You don't have to have "problems" to seek one out. They can give you a different perspective which may aid in you doing things that you otherwise thought you couldn't.

Even if therapy isn't the route. It's just always important to make time for you. Create that safe space and tend to your needs.

Keep Space by Ms. Wrights Way (link below)

Ah.... One of the hardest things about parenting alone... Its like you have to block out everything to keep sane, but in the process you constantly (most times unknowingly in the moment) reject your kids love... When in fact their love is really the only thing that matters... To me at least. My kids are all I have and there are no conditions to their love for me despite my blocking everything out (sometimes including them).

This video was really special to me and reminded in the midst if all that I'm dealing with right now that I can't shut my babies out. I cried as I watched and I'm crying as I type this because I know. I know all too well. This is a tough thing to balance all on your own. But it's imperative that we be attentive. Especially to the little ones that need us and love us no matter what.

Keep Space by Ms. Wrights Way

Child Support Drama!!

So you all! Child support has been filed and letters received and baby let me tell you! When he got his letter he didn't hesitate to come "talk" to me about it.

Upside? There was no arguing, yelling, fussing and cussing.

Downside? Everything else.

So let's start from the beginning.

My oldest daughter's dad dropped her off back home after keeping her for the weekend. When my daughter walked in the house she told me, "My daddy wanna talk to you." So I stepped outside my door.

He reveals to me that he got a letter in the mail for child support and wants to know what the deal is. Then he tells me, "I got people downtown that I can call up and find out whats going on. So I called them and they told me that you was putting me on child support." I guess this was to intimidate me?? I have no clue what the purpose was of him telling me that he knows people down there and who he has easy access to.

Anyway I tell him flat out, "Yes I did." I was very candid about my sudden health problems and how it could lead to future problems regarding the job that I work now.

To update you all... One day I woke up and my vision in my left eye was obstructed. Not with any foreign object. I went to the doctor, had blood tests done, CT scan, still lined up to have an MRI done, and more. My vision problem coupled with sudden, localized headaches was (still is) a cause for concern. And seeing that my job consists of me to stare at a computer screen for an entire shift. You can see how that would affect my ability to continue my job thus severely affecting how I provide for my kids.

I shared this with him and I also made it a point (because something told me that it was coming) to say, "I'm not saying that I'm incapable of taking care of our daughter. I'm not saying that I need you to pay my bills. What I'm saying is that I want to secure financial help for Alia in the event I end up not being able to work to provide for her."

As predictable as I knew it would be, he went into this whole spiel about how he wants her to stay with him. And yall listen! I have never been anti-joint custody. This is evidenced by his very first time bringing to me that he wanted to keep her. She was either in Kindergarten or in preschool on her way to Kindergarten. Many people thought I was crazy and didn't understand. I on the other hand was all for it. That plan fell through (due to no fault of mine) because (as it's always been with him) he's had the luxury of making sure his shit is straight before finally (in so many words) saying, "Okay I'm ready for her now." Furthermore, this conversation hasn't been had for 5 years. Things change. Especially when you realize that the plan to live with him wasn't happening.

He goes on to list why it would be better to live with him:

-She doesn't have to go to public school. She'll get to go to Fairfield City Schools (which by my standard is still a public school... It's just located in a predominantly white suburb). Oh he made sure to point this out as well. That there are more white people. Not impressed!

-He said she'll get to have her own room.

-She'll have a head start on doing better than he has.

And I'm sitting here thinking like HOLD THE FUCK UP! I've worked HARD as FUCK to deconstruct this "White is right" mindset that she held near to her as a little child. I'll be DAMNED if he erases that. If you like the school system out there then FINE! Don't go talking about white people do it different and therefore it's better. Also it's important for my daughter to be around people like her period point blank. We live in a world where we are forced to interact with white people, compromise our safe spaces for white people, allow white people to use our shit and participate in things solely for us  because.... well.... White people. And I refuse! No!

He also said with his experience attending public school as a younger child that there are more distractions at public schools than his district's schools. I call bullshit though. As long as there are children amongst each other there will be problems of varying degrees. Even more, her daddy has not even been to her public school to know what goes on there education wise, as far as peers are concerned, NOTHING! So how is he coming to this conclusion?

Also this school district.... This neighborhood.... It's out in the boondocks! And I don't drive! Funny thing is right before my eye problems I was planning on working on my license and then later a car. But with things happening so suddenly I obviously put it off. There's no public transportation out there. Even if I were to be okay with her living with him now, how would I be actively involved? I want to be able to have easy access to my daughter. I want to be able to stop by her school and know what's going on. Cabs aren't even an option either because it's approximately $80 there and back. Needless to say he is not thinking this through.

So I told him, "You know, although you may feel like you're on track with co-parenting by picking her up on some weekends and getting her clothes I feel ALONE in parenting her. When it comes to school you have not met her teachers, her peers, reviewed her work, know who her daycare providers are, aint been to a parent teacher conference, NOTHING. As a result you have no grasp on why she acts out. And it's not just with me. It's with her teachers and daycare providers. That's not to say she's a bad child. But without knowledge of what's going on around her it's very easy for you to tell me that I let her get away with things."

His response? "Well I'm working to provide and take care of my kids. So I can't make the things like father daughter dances and stuff like that. And kids will be kids. They do what they think they can get away with certain things around certain people."

Like just totally gas lighting me and dismissing the issue at hand. I have to work too. It may not be as many hours as he does, but I still make it a point to get up to her school, familiarize myself with the people teaching her, knowing who her friends are and understanding their relationships and how they interact with each other first hand.

But you know there's always an excuse as to why he can't. In fact that's the luxury he has in ALL of this. He's able to excuse him from responsibility when it doesn't line up with his personal life by saying he can't and actually NOT do because he has the freedom. That ability to do as he pleases while I'm left doing all of the grunt work when it comes to this parenting shit.

Now onto the part about having her own room. Man listen. If that room is for her then it's for her. No matter how often or how little she is there. If he actually followed through with first bringing to me that he wanted to keep her then she would STILL maintain her space at my place.... No, but his twisted way of thinking is to replace her. Yes you heard fuckin right. REPLACE HER!

Convo goes as follows: "I worked hard and saved up for years to build that house. I wanted to be sure she had her own room. I wanted to be sure all of the rooms I had built were used. Me and (insert his other babymama name) been actually talking about adopting because if she can't be here to use that room then I know it's other people who will be happy to stay there."

I have no CLUE how I kept my cool. Who in their right minds suggests things like this? Not only is it a fucked up way to treat your child. You're considering bringing a child in need of care into your home under some fucked up pretenses. Adopting a child to fill the void of your daughter not being there 24/7? They're acting like I'm not allowing any contact between the two of them. They're acting like she died and they need to "move on". They're acting like if she's not there 24/7 then she's as good as gone. I should have dead that conversation then and there.

Oh let's not forget about the "having a head start on doing better" piece. As if she's incapable of such by going to a public school. Thing is I highly doubt that he is aware of her dreams and aspirations. If he did then he would know the opportunity to grow that shit now is not available in the predominantly white suburbs that he loves so dearly. Extra curricular activities holds a lot of weight when it comes to school (scholarships, admittance, etc). I'm also trying to teach my daughter to work for herself by doing what she loves. No matter if that desire that she has now shifts to something different.

Obviously he wasn't expecting much pushback because he jumped right back to the joint custody thing. Talking about (and being ever so condescending) "I mean if it's help you need then we can go down and file for joint custody and you'll still be able to keep your foodstamps because I just don't want them all up in my business."

Bruh, FUCK you! Seriously? Not only you try to take it there especially when you have no clue whether I get foodstamps or not.... You don't want child support in your business? You are on medical support through the state. THEY ALREADY KNOW ALL OF YOUR BUSINESS! The fuck??? You don't want them in your business, but you are willing to go to court and have a judge dissect all of your personal business? You would rather go through these court dates and all simply because you don't want to pay for these next 7 years? When you had an entire 10 years not to pay? You would rather leave it to the state to provide for your child than YOU actually providing for her?

Oh oh! Then he tried to put me on spot and say, "So I mean are you trying to go through with child support? Because I need to know now so that I can prepare." Prepare? Where was my prep time? You put me on spot to make a decision to only accept medical support during our very first child support hearing. I refuse to make a decision for you when I'm trying to get ready for work in a few hours. Boy, bye!

I checked out from the bullshit and he left.

I'm sure that I am now every kind of goldigger, bitch, bad baby mama. But it was all good when I wasn't demanding more.

Court ain't what he wants, but I'll entertain the bullshit to teach him a lesson. I'm tired of this whole "I maintain my own household. I prepared a space for my child. I work. I buy her clothes." Well good for you. I do that too! That's what you're supposed to do! You're supposed to do a lot more too. No more appeasing and catering while my daughter goes without. You'll get over it. You'll live.

This Is Not Co-Parenting

 I always envisioned a life of co-parenting consisting of mutual agreements when it comes to rearing, disciplining, and things of that sort. That is not to say that we will or must agree on every issue. I feel like in order to effectively raise a child the parents must be somewhat willing to be on the same page, listen and incorporate different child rearing methods. You must be involved in the child's day to day life even if she isn't under your primary care.

I never imagined, though, that I'd be in a position to receive so much pushback and non participation when it comes to different issues surrounding our daughter. The way that my daughter's father and I co-parent is not even co-parenting at all. He'd rather do things his way on his own.

He feels that doing fun things, getting her on the weekends, preparing her a space in his own house, and buying her clothes is co-parenting... THIS IS NOT CO-PARENTING!

Why am I declaring this now? Well, I'm kind of frustrated with and find it unacceptable to have to navigate this parenting alone. Which to me is the real definition of single motherhood. Yeah we can attribute the "single" to a mother's marital status, but let's be real. When we say single in regards to parenting we not only mean in regards to marital status, but in simply physically and/or financially caring for your kids.

Example: My daughter's been having a bit of a problem with her mouth and attitude. I can pin it to her being a growing girl transitioning into adolescence. Other things require redirection, discipline, and consistency. I reached out to her father in an attempt to established some sort of structure... Or like chain of command type of deal to where (even if he has no use for it) if a situation arose where it was necessary to implement then it would be very effective. I want her to expect the same discipline whether she's with me or him. It was basically that I simply wanted to be on the same page. His answer to me was that I let her get away with too much and he never has this problem.

Now there's only so much gaslighting that I can take. So I feel forced (in order to preserve my peace) to give up reaching out in an attempt to co-parent. I care about my daughter's need for consistency, but it's seeming to be an impossible feat when it comes to her daddy.... To know that you don't have the support of someone who is to be there to help physically and financially raise the kid(s) you have together makes everything so hard! It is exhausting!

I Had An Emotional Breakdown The Other Day....

10 years into having my first child reality just really hit me. I am doing this all on my own. This realization wasn't without a crying fit. I am physically and emotionally tired. Every necessity provided, all of my guidance, my sacrifice, and well intentions are often questioned and scrutinized. Meanwhile the absent parent is praised for the few novelty things that they do.

I just moved into a new place and instead of enjoying my move I am incredibly stressed.

I love my kids, but without the proper support I am tired.

I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. Please feel free to vent your single mother frustrations here.

Stay tuned for my next post to see one of my many steps to relieve my frustrations. And remember don't ever feel guilty for doing what you need to do to provide for your children and to ease the stress of motherhood.