A Not So Happy Mother's Day

First off I want to say Happy Mothers Day to everyone!

Unfortunately I'll be spending my Mother's Day in a huge corporate office alone because the "father" of my oldest daughter continues to drag me to court. In order for me to make my hearing tomorrow and not use PTO I will have to make up my hours on Mothers Day instead.

What I wanted to focus on in this post though is this need by both men and women to degrade and shame women on a day that's meant to acknowledge their hard work and sacrifice.

I want to preface this post by saying that I'm not without fault because I used to do this too. I used to dedicate about 4 or 5 posts as well as invite myself onto other people's post to debate them. Out of order and out of line. I'm sure if you were to go back far enough on my facebook profile you'll find those very posts.

Being forced to realize things for what they are due to my current situation has taught me that I did not know what the fuck I was talking about.

I have no right to tell a woman how she should identify herself and what she should call herself because I for damn sure know that a mother does not one day wake up and say, "I think I'm going to boot my child's father out of her life and start calling myself her father instead."

That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works!

This belief by those who are adamant about telling women who they are and aren't is usually followed up by, "You knew who he was when you decided to have a baby. You chose him! Deal with it!"

This hurts me and in turn I hurt for all who have been abused, whose children's lives have been in danger, those who are being manipulated in ways by the father that makes it difficult to give their children what they need. At this point it doesn't matter who chose who. We will NOT make the mother the reason for a deadbeat being a deadbeat.

In my instance my child's father chose me. What do I mean by that? I mean he preyed on me. When I became of age he raped me. My daughter is a result of this. My entire story is explained here: http://sbmmemoirs.blogspot.com/2016/04/i-was-raped-by-my-daughters-father.html

Furthermore I get minimal help on his behalf and am being tormented with multiple court hearings in an effort for him not to care for his daughter. I have earned every right to call myself both mother and father whenever I feel like it.

Some of you need to get the fuck out of your self righteous feelings and realize that your crusade to shame women for something that you didn't have to go through is problematic as fuck.

I Just Wanna Give Up!

I have a friend on Facebook who is also a single mother of color. She is very open and honest about her struggles with being a single mother and I adore her for being brave enough to post what I'm afraid to say as it relates to motherhood/single parenthood.

Amid her bravery it really hurt me to see the struggle she has to endure. It really hit me hard last nite to see that she was having a very difficult time trying to stay afloat financially and mentally. I could identify with her frustration and pain so much and in return felt horrible that I couldn't assist.

It also made me reflect on what I'm going through.... The whole being forced to care for my daughter alone and then punished and retaliated against when I decide to put my foot down and demand from my daughter's father what she needs. How he routinely gaslights me and puts me down (as he did last nite as well). Knowing that he can legally involve my daughter in a matter that can and has emotionally traumatized her in order to get out of providing for her as he should.

I've dealt with abuse, rape, shame, and so much more from childhood up until now. The most of my advice is to "not focus on the negative," "there are people who have it worse than you," "you're overreacting" "be happy that you're simply alive" How can I be happy to be alive when I feel as though I'm dying inside? I am tired and just want to give up.

But you know what I'm going to do? Keep going. Not because I'm not tired.... Not because I'm happy.... It's because a mother (especially a single mother of color) being open about her struggles are so demonized that if I show any sign of distress that I'll be punished for saying so.

What a fucked up world we live in.

Keep Space by Ms. Wrights Way (link below)

Ah.... One of the hardest things about parenting alone... Its like you have to block out everything to keep sane, but in the process you constantly (most times unknowingly in the moment) reject your kids love... When in fact their love is really the only thing that matters... To me at least. My kids are all I have and there are no conditions to their love for me despite my blocking everything out (sometimes including them).

This video was really special to me and reminded in the midst if all that I'm dealing with right now that I can't shut my babies out. I cried as I watched and I'm crying as I type this because I know. I know all too well. This is a tough thing to balance all on your own. But it's imperative that we be attentive. Especially to the little ones that need us and love us no matter what.

Keep Space by Ms. Wrights Way

Child Support Drama!!

So you all! Child support has been filed and letters received and baby let me tell you! When he got his letter he didn't hesitate to come "talk" to me about it.

Upside? There was no arguing, yelling, fussing and cussing.

Downside? Everything else.

So let's start from the beginning.

My oldest daughter's dad dropped her off back home after keeping her for the weekend. When my daughter walked in the house she told me, "My daddy wanna talk to you." So I stepped outside my door.

He reveals to me that he got a letter in the mail for child support and wants to know what the deal is. Then he tells me, "I got people downtown that I can call up and find out whats going on. So I called them and they told me that you was putting me on child support." I guess this was to intimidate me?? I have no clue what the purpose was of him telling me that he knows people down there and who he has easy access to.

Anyway I tell him flat out, "Yes I did." I was very candid about my sudden health problems and how it could lead to future problems regarding the job that I work now.

To update you all... One day I woke up and my vision in my left eye was obstructed. Not with any foreign object. I went to the doctor, had blood tests done, CT scan, still lined up to have an MRI done, and more. My vision problem coupled with sudden, localized headaches was (still is) a cause for concern. And seeing that my job consists of me to stare at a computer screen for an entire shift. You can see how that would affect my ability to continue my job thus severely affecting how I provide for my kids.

I shared this with him and I also made it a point (because something told me that it was coming) to say, "I'm not saying that I'm incapable of taking care of our daughter. I'm not saying that I need you to pay my bills. What I'm saying is that I want to secure financial help for Alia in the event I end up not being able to work to provide for her."

As predictable as I knew it would be, he went into this whole spiel about how he wants her to stay with him. And yall listen! I have never been anti-joint custody. This is evidenced by his very first time bringing to me that he wanted to keep her. She was either in Kindergarten or in preschool on her way to Kindergarten. Many people thought I was crazy and didn't understand. I on the other hand was all for it. That plan fell through (due to no fault of mine) because (as it's always been with him) he's had the luxury of making sure his shit is straight before finally (in so many words) saying, "Okay I'm ready for her now." Furthermore, this conversation hasn't been had for 5 years. Things change. Especially when you realize that the plan to live with him wasn't happening.

He goes on to list why it would be better to live with him:

-She doesn't have to go to public school. She'll get to go to Fairfield City Schools (which by my standard is still a public school... It's just located in a predominantly white suburb). Oh he made sure to point this out as well. That there are more white people. Not impressed!

-He said she'll get to have her own room.

-She'll have a head start on doing better than he has.

And I'm sitting here thinking like HOLD THE FUCK UP! I've worked HARD as FUCK to deconstruct this "White is right" mindset that she held near to her as a little child. I'll be DAMNED if he erases that. If you like the school system out there then FINE! Don't go talking about white people do it different and therefore it's better. Also it's important for my daughter to be around people like her period point blank. We live in a world where we are forced to interact with white people, compromise our safe spaces for white people, allow white people to use our shit and participate in things solely for us  because.... well.... White people. And I refuse! No!

He also said with his experience attending public school as a younger child that there are more distractions at public schools than his district's schools. I call bullshit though. As long as there are children amongst each other there will be problems of varying degrees. Even more, her daddy has not even been to her public school to know what goes on there education wise, as far as peers are concerned, NOTHING! So how is he coming to this conclusion?

Also this school district.... This neighborhood.... It's out in the boondocks! And I don't drive! Funny thing is right before my eye problems I was planning on working on my license and then later a car. But with things happening so suddenly I obviously put it off. There's no public transportation out there. Even if I were to be okay with her living with him now, how would I be actively involved? I want to be able to have easy access to my daughter. I want to be able to stop by her school and know what's going on. Cabs aren't even an option either because it's approximately $80 there and back. Needless to say he is not thinking this through.

So I told him, "You know, although you may feel like you're on track with co-parenting by picking her up on some weekends and getting her clothes I feel ALONE in parenting her. When it comes to school you have not met her teachers, her peers, reviewed her work, know who her daycare providers are, aint been to a parent teacher conference, NOTHING. As a result you have no grasp on why she acts out. And it's not just with me. It's with her teachers and daycare providers. That's not to say she's a bad child. But without knowledge of what's going on around her it's very easy for you to tell me that I let her get away with things."

His response? "Well I'm working to provide and take care of my kids. So I can't make the things like father daughter dances and stuff like that. And kids will be kids. They do what they think they can get away with certain things around certain people."

Like just totally gas lighting me and dismissing the issue at hand. I have to work too. It may not be as many hours as he does, but I still make it a point to get up to her school, familiarize myself with the people teaching her, knowing who her friends are and understanding their relationships and how they interact with each other first hand.

But you know there's always an excuse as to why he can't. In fact that's the luxury he has in ALL of this. He's able to excuse him from responsibility when it doesn't line up with his personal life by saying he can't and actually NOT do because he has the freedom. That ability to do as he pleases while I'm left doing all of the grunt work when it comes to this parenting shit.

Now onto the part about having her own room. Man listen. If that room is for her then it's for her. No matter how often or how little she is there. If he actually followed through with first bringing to me that he wanted to keep her then she would STILL maintain her space at my place.... No, but his twisted way of thinking is to replace her. Yes you heard fuckin right. REPLACE HER!

Convo goes as follows: "I worked hard and saved up for years to build that house. I wanted to be sure she had her own room. I wanted to be sure all of the rooms I had built were used. Me and (insert his other babymama name) been actually talking about adopting because if she can't be here to use that room then I know it's other people who will be happy to stay there."

I have no CLUE how I kept my cool. Who in their right minds suggests things like this? Not only is it a fucked up way to treat your child. You're considering bringing a child in need of care into your home under some fucked up pretenses. Adopting a child to fill the void of your daughter not being there 24/7? They're acting like I'm not allowing any contact between the two of them. They're acting like she died and they need to "move on". They're acting like if she's not there 24/7 then she's as good as gone. I should have dead that conversation then and there.

Oh let's not forget about the "having a head start on doing better" piece. As if she's incapable of such by going to a public school. Thing is I highly doubt that he is aware of her dreams and aspirations. If he did then he would know the opportunity to grow that shit now is not available in the predominantly white suburbs that he loves so dearly. Extra curricular activities holds a lot of weight when it comes to school (scholarships, admittance, etc). I'm also trying to teach my daughter to work for herself by doing what she loves. No matter if that desire that she has now shifts to something different.

Obviously he wasn't expecting much pushback because he jumped right back to the joint custody thing. Talking about (and being ever so condescending) "I mean if it's help you need then we can go down and file for joint custody and you'll still be able to keep your foodstamps because I just don't want them all up in my business."

Bruh, FUCK you! Seriously? Not only you try to take it there especially when you have no clue whether I get foodstamps or not.... You don't want child support in your business? You are on medical support through the state. THEY ALREADY KNOW ALL OF YOUR BUSINESS! The fuck??? You don't want them in your business, but you are willing to go to court and have a judge dissect all of your personal business? You would rather go through these court dates and all simply because you don't want to pay for these next 7 years? When you had an entire 10 years not to pay? You would rather leave it to the state to provide for your child than YOU actually providing for her?

Oh oh! Then he tried to put me on spot and say, "So I mean are you trying to go through with child support? Because I need to know now so that I can prepare." Prepare? Where was my prep time? You put me on spot to make a decision to only accept medical support during our very first child support hearing. I refuse to make a decision for you when I'm trying to get ready for work in a few hours. Boy, bye!

I checked out from the bullshit and he left.

I'm sure that I am now every kind of goldigger, bitch, bad baby mama. But it was all good when I wasn't demanding more.

Court ain't what he wants, but I'll entertain the bullshit to teach him a lesson. I'm tired of this whole "I maintain my own household. I prepared a space for my child. I work. I buy her clothes." Well good for you. I do that too! That's what you're supposed to do! You're supposed to do a lot more too. No more appeasing and catering while my daughter goes without. You'll get over it. You'll live.

This Is Not Co-Parenting

 I always envisioned a life of co-parenting consisting of mutual agreements when it comes to rearing, disciplining, and things of that sort. That is not to say that we will or must agree on every issue. I feel like in order to effectively raise a child the parents must be somewhat willing to be on the same page, listen and incorporate different child rearing methods. You must be involved in the child's day to day life even if she isn't under your primary care.

I never imagined, though, that I'd be in a position to receive so much pushback and non participation when it comes to different issues surrounding our daughter. The way that my daughter's father and I co-parent is not even co-parenting at all. He'd rather do things his way on his own.

He feels that doing fun things, getting her on the weekends, preparing her a space in his own house, and buying her clothes is co-parenting... THIS IS NOT CO-PARENTING!

Why am I declaring this now? Well, I'm kind of frustrated with and find it unacceptable to have to navigate this parenting alone. Which to me is the real definition of single motherhood. Yeah we can attribute the "single" to a mother's marital status, but let's be real. When we say single in regards to parenting we not only mean in regards to marital status, but in simply physically and/or financially caring for your kids.

Example: My daughter's been having a bit of a problem with her mouth and attitude. I can pin it to her being a growing girl transitioning into adolescence. Other things require redirection, discipline, and consistency. I reached out to her father in an attempt to established some sort of structure... Or like chain of command type of deal to where (even if he has no use for it) if a situation arose where it was necessary to implement then it would be very effective. I want her to expect the same discipline whether she's with me or him. It was basically that I simply wanted to be on the same page. His answer to me was that I let her get away with too much and he never has this problem.

Now there's only so much gaslighting that I can take. So I feel forced (in order to preserve my peace) to give up reaching out in an attempt to co-parent. I care about my daughter's need for consistency, but it's seeming to be an impossible feat when it comes to her daddy.... To know that you don't have the support of someone who is to be there to help physically and financially raise the kid(s) you have together makes everything so hard! It is exhausting!

I Had An Emotional Breakdown The Other Day....

10 years into having my first child reality just really hit me. I am doing this all on my own. This realization wasn't without a crying fit. I am physically and emotionally tired. Every necessity provided, all of my guidance, my sacrifice, and well intentions are often questioned and scrutinized. Meanwhile the absent parent is praised for the few novelty things that they do.

I just moved into a new place and instead of enjoying my move I am incredibly stressed.

I love my kids, but without the proper support I am tired.

I know that I am not the only one who feels this way. Please feel free to vent your single mother frustrations here.

Stay tuned for my next post to see one of my many steps to relieve my frustrations. And remember don't ever feel guilty for doing what you need to do to provide for your children and to ease the stress of motherhood.